falling

the hardest part of my day is falling asleep. i don't know why. after so many years of the same routine and the same voice saying good night and i love you it is jarring to have to do it alone every single night. its not being physically alone that bothers me, its the mental isolation. especially in my room here at home. its like a fucking isolation chamber. at least in tabard i can always hear another human being in my close proximity.
i forgot why i would stay up so late doing absolutely nothing in high school. i would stay up for hours writing up song lyrics or making duct tape messenger bags or drawing just because i didn't like getting in bed, turning off the light and sitting alone with my thoughts. i would stay up until i knew i would be able to pass out as soon as i lay my head down.
once i got to college i would just drink or take something to knock me out if i had to fall asleep alone, but usually i could call her and hear her voice and that would be enough. i can't remember how many times i fell asleep on the phone freshman year.
so here i am again trying to stay up until exhaustion so i can sleep. i wish getting to sleep were as easy as just falling.