falling

the hardest part of my day is falling asleep. i don't know why. after so many years of the same routine and the same voice saying good night and i love you it is jarring to have to do it alone every single night. its not being physically alone that bothers me, its the mental isolation. especially in my room here at home. its like a fucking isolation chamber. at least in tabard i can always hear another human being in my close proximity.
i forgot why i would stay up so late doing absolutely nothing in high school. i would stay up for hours writing up song lyrics or making duct tape messenger bags or drawing just because i didn't like getting in bed, turning off the light and sitting alone with my thoughts. i would stay up until i knew i would be able to pass out as soon as i lay my head down.
once i got to college i would just drink or take something to knock me out if i had to fall asleep alone, but usually i could call her and hear her voice and that would be enough. i can't remember how many times i fell asleep on the phone freshman year.
so here i am again trying to stay up until exhaustion so i can sleep. i wish getting to sleep were as easy as just falling.

damn the man

the amanda palmer videos aren't on youtube because of a legal clusterfuck with warner. you can read about it on amanda's blog which you should read anyways because it is pretty entertaining (http://blog.amandapalmer.net/)

astronaut

also very good, from Who Killed Amanda Palmer

runs in the family

from Who Killed Amanda Palmer? check it out

where i stood- missy higgins

thanks for the mix betsy.  very appropriate song.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood