falling

the hardest part of my day is falling asleep. i don't know why. after so many years of the same routine and the same voice saying good night and i love you it is jarring to have to do it alone every single night. its not being physically alone that bothers me, its the mental isolation. especially in my room here at home. its like a fucking isolation chamber. at least in tabard i can always hear another human being in my close proximity.
i forgot why i would stay up so late doing absolutely nothing in high school. i would stay up for hours writing up song lyrics or making duct tape messenger bags or drawing just because i didn't like getting in bed, turning off the light and sitting alone with my thoughts. i would stay up until i knew i would be able to pass out as soon as i lay my head down.
once i got to college i would just drink or take something to knock me out if i had to fall asleep alone, but usually i could call her and hear her voice and that would be enough. i can't remember how many times i fell asleep on the phone freshman year.
so here i am again trying to stay up until exhaustion so i can sleep. i wish getting to sleep were as easy as just falling.

damn the man

the amanda palmer videos aren't on youtube because of a legal clusterfuck with warner. you can read about it on amanda's blog which you should read anyways because it is pretty entertaining (http://blog.amandapalmer.net/)

astronaut

also very good, from Who Killed Amanda Palmer

runs in the family

from Who Killed Amanda Palmer? check it out

where i stood- missy higgins

thanks for the mix betsy.  very appropriate song.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Honesty

So I have a new resolution. I will be honest with the people around me and honest with myself about my actions, desires and motivations. This seems like its pretty straight forward but from an early age I learned that dishonesty was easier if I could keep moving but its all catching up to me now.

i will find you

new mixtape

On Guilt

littlebird with broken wing
doused the burning beauty
and even though it tried to sing
the sun back to the sky
the darkness froze and hate
enclosed the creature's sad advances
"Goodbye littlebird. I've finally heard."
You get no second chances.

Found It

Here is that net act I was talking about

Jet Lag

so clearly I was bad about posting for most of the time I was in NZ. After we moved out of the railway campus I didn't have very good internet access and I was lazy/writing an ungodly number of papers.

Anyways I am back now and terribly jet lagged. The 20 hr difference from NZ to CO wouldn't have been too bad because its only 4 hrs of real day time difference, but the 17 hr difference from Brisbane to CO is killing me. So now it is 3 am and I am wide awake, much to the displeasure of my dog who is grumbling and hiding her face in my pillows to get out of the light.

On the flight from Sydney to San Fransisco I watched a video of Pink's I'm Not Dead tour on the in flight entertainment system thingy. Pink can do circus shit!!! She was on the aerial net for the song Fingers (and she actually could do a few tricks, even a drop) I can't find a video for it though. In the finale she had 4 hot pink fabrics. I wish I had a hot pink fabric. I think that Sarah is the only one who can fully appreciate how fabulous that is.

Images from the 18 km Tongoriro Crossing near Lake Taupo

Old Trees in New Zealand

A 300 year old fig tree outside the police station in Russel.



Tree in a Park in Auckland. The branches were so big they had to be supported by metal crutches.



These symmetrical looking pine trees are all over the place. They look like cell phone towers but are real.


Me in a kaori tree at the tree museum.

At the tree museum again. The rings on the wall show the diameters of the largest known kaori trees.
The inner most ring on the wall is Tane Mahuta, the tallest living kaori tree. Below are pictures of Tane.

They say that Tane is hollowing out and dying and will fall over soon.